32 days after autumn equinox, 12 AU
Things have been going reasonably well with Yilli, although she is getting quite depressed as she descends into need. She's been taking that medicine to stop the dreams. It's hard on her, and now that we've come back to the seed farm I'm going to try to get her to let me stay awake while she sleeps and support her. The poppy extract in her medicine seems to be causing her some problems in keeping her lungs clear. She's taught me how to work on her lungs, and I'm doing it as often as she'll let me.
In the next few days we will be resting, she will do some training sessions with her missionary students which she wants me to observe and perhaps assist her with, and we will work a few shifts at the University Sime Center and the City Sime Center. I'll try to keep her from overdoing it while she's in need. She says we'll share transfer on the evening of the 36th after the equinox, which will be a full twenty-eight days for her. I can't express how much I want to serve her.
She's told me about what happened when she came back in-T, and how you saved her. Thank you, Skyepar. After that I feel I owe you even more. It was really hard for her to talk about it. The first time she wouldn't let me support her. She even ordered me to stop. I could hardly focus on what she was saying, seeing her suffer like that and being forbidden to help her. The second time she was still pretty dopey from the medicine, and she let me support her and it was easier for her to talk. She'd given up on trying to drive me away, but she kept saying that she'd trapped me, that she'd gotten me fixed on her.
I wish I knew how to help her better. I know that a lot of it must be need depression and all I can do is offer support and love and the promise of my selyn, and apply the other tactics I learned in training camp, distracting her into work or other activities, countering her more pessimistic statements, reminding her that her thoughts are dominated by need, and so forth. But I know it's not all need, although need brings it to the forefront of her mind.
From some of the things she said it's like she really doesn't see any difference between me and her Gen members that she brought into her House as children, and all those Pen Gens she helped the semijuncts kill. And all those out-T Gens at the reunion and the hundreds more who weren't killed because her missionaries were there to serve the Simes who might have killed them. I tried to tell her that the out-T Gens she'd saved that way made up for the Pen Gens, but she said it doesn't work like that -- that she could still have done the missionary program without having facilitated the kills.
She says that all those kills were her kills, and she's only technically nonjunct. It really doesn't make sense. I told her she didn't enjoy the kills, but she says the semijuncts didn't either, and the Pen Gens died in agony nonetheless, and she was there to zlin it and make sure it happened. But she did everything she could to stop it and the Tecton would have destroyed her for it, if it hadn't been for you and Roza. She was my age when all this happened. It's not her fault she didn't understand the politics. There were hundreds of channels who didn't even try to do anything, all those Householders like your Uncle Zeth who just signed the papers and didn't have to zlin the consequences. It's not fair that they can enjoy life and be glad the last remnants of the junct times are almost gone and she has to suffer in her dreams for what they made her do.
But maybe they do suffer, too. When Yilli and I first started working together I didn't know about any of this and I saw her the way everybody else does -- happy and full of energy, ready to enjoy talking to people and doing things. I've seen how much she loves her members and how much they love her, and how good she was with the people at the Sime Centers and at the reunion. Maybe a lot of people who had terrible experiences in those times are also leading what look like normal lives, and nobody knows how much they suffered and how much they are suffering still. You told me about the Pen Simes, and I saw how much it affected you then and that night in Capital when you came back from the Sime Center, but the rest of the time we were together I wouldn't have known you had such a past.
It makes me think differently about the older people I knew at the Sime Center and the training camp. Maybe some of them feel guilty around Gens, or they've formed some attitudes to help them not think about those times when they zlin someone like me. Those last few semijunct channels at the CRF suffered like Yilli did, and I want to help comfort them. I hope they'll take comfort from me, even if Yilli won't all the time.
Of course I can't overcontrol her yet, but she does give in to me a lot more. I've been selecting protocols from the handbook and she's helping me try them on her. You were right that the argument that she's teaching me helps overcome her objections to my doing things for her. She knows I'm picking ones that give the channel comfort and pleasure, but I'm careful to choose them so they're a challenge to my skills, too. I'm getting a lot better and I can do things I couldn't have a few weeks ago. Sometimes I think I can feel how high my field is, especially when I know Yilli is zlinning it and enjoying it. When I do something well, she often says I'll have to do it for you, so you can enjoy it as much as she does. I look forward to the opportunity.
Again, thank you, Skyepar, for being the person you are, the channel you are, and saving Yilli so I can be her Companion.
"Tomas, you've met Janush. I want you to know he's here because I'm training him too. He will soon be a First and will serve my personal transfer this month. You may have heard from the other students that I seldom work with a Companion, so I don't want you to think that Janush is here because I'm about to do something unusual to you."
"I trust you, Sectuib."
"I know you do, I can zlin it. This will be a long session, and the simulated transfer won't come until the very end. What I'll do for the first part is help you feel more comfortable with the fact that I'm very closely tracking all your emotions. I have several purposes here. One is to dispel your natural feeling that any of your emotions should cause you embarrassment when I zlin them, or that you can conceal them from me. This will be a little harder for you than for students who grew up in-T with Simes, but none of my other students from out-T have had very much difficulty so I don't expect you will either. This will help build a very profound intimacy between us, which will be necessary for the later stages of your training.
"Now I'll just keep talking, often describing your own emotions to you. This is partly to let you know how accurately I am zlinning them, and feel them myself when I do, and understand them, and partly to help you develop more conscious awareness of them yourself. An intense and accurate awareness of the state of your emotions, your body and your selyn system will be very important later in your training. For now, it will help you learn faster, and will enhance your enjoyment of the process.
"When I said 'enjoyment' there, you experienced a little frisson of pleasurable anticipation. Go ahead and think about what you expect from this session. Good... no fear, a little anxiety, hope and a clear desire to succeed. You don't have to worry. I don't think the anxiety is because you think there might be pain, I think it's because you are worried that you might not do as well as you'd like, but you don't have to worry there, either. I wouldn't have selected you if I weren't convinced that you could succeed. I'm going to influence you here a bit, not that I think you aren't confident enough, I just want you to experience the external influence... Good, you aren't resisting me at all... a little more... Now I'm going to withdraw it. You try to sustain that state without the support... excellent. Easy, isn't it? That's because you have the Companion's gift. Don't be embarrassed, you have every right to feel that gratitude and pride -- and the joy too. There will be a lot more joy before the end of the session. I'm enjoying your anticipation too.
"Now our Second Channel in Teiu, Tapiu, took your last donation. I asked him to draw a little faster than usual, and to come very close to your TN-3 barrier without touching it. This should have caused you to experience some slil, the sensation of selyn movement. I can zlin that you did... Now I want you to relax, close your eyes, and think about that sensation... excellent... You know, when channels unintentionally evoke slil in a high GN-1 who isn't expecting it, it's often experienced as frightening or nauseating, but it wasn't like that at all for you, was it? Tell me what you felt."
"I wanted more, Sectuib... I just... it was like the start of a sneeze and I couldn't get it out! And then Hajene Tapiu relinquished contact. I was disappointed."
"Excellent. He told me he could zlin you figuring out how to push selyn. He was sorry he had to shen you. Yes, that would count as shen, he aborted the transfer you were starting to give. But it wasn't time yet. It will be time in a little while.
"I'm going to describe how I'm going to let you serve me the simulated transfer, and then I'm going to work with you for a while, and then I'll go over it again. Part of your mind and body will be working with what I'm going to tell you now, and you'll be more prepared for it later. Now I'm doing all this with my secondary system, and I'm a very high rated channel and I have excellent control, so there's no way you can be hurt at all... I can zlin that you know and believe that... Good. You're not as high field as you can be since it's been only three weeks since your last donation, but you have plenty of selyn for us to work with, and I've found that repeated draws at closer intervals often stimulates production remarkably. I'll start the draw with the characteristics of a renSime. You have enough selyn right now to satisfy any renSime, you just don't have the experience of the draw speed. I'm sure that by the time I start to draw, you will be so primed to serve me that you will have no trouble instantly matching that speed and exceeding it, but if you don't, I'll stop before you experience any pain or fear, and we'll try again later, or perhaps another day. I've trained almost every Gen in my House, as well as nearly a hundred missionaries, and if you are not ready to meet the draw, you will be the first one in my experience. Good... I can zlin your confidence and amusement. A sense of humor is always valuable, and especially when learning.
"Now as I sense you pushing selyn at me, I'll increase the draw speed as fast as you can keep up with it. If possible, I'll take it as high as an unusually fast QN-3 by the end of the transfer. This means that we will soon reach your TN-3 level. I don't want you to have the experience of resistance against draw at this point, so if it seems like the barrier won't come down by itself, I'll taper and terminate. This happens sometimes and it just means that you will require an extra simulated transfer before I can send you for qualification. It doesn't mean that you won't catch up later, it just takes some people longer to learn to drop the barrier. Even if we don't pass your TN-3 barrier, you'll have had a more intense experience than you ever will serving a renSime when you're nearly high field, and you'll be safe anywhere, in- or out-T. You will know that serving transfer is something you can do, it's a skill you've acquired and it will have lost its mystique. You will definitely experience slilbliss, and you may experience postreaction. You will have done something most Gens can learn, but few do. You'll be in a position to save lives. I can zlin that's what you desire very deeply... go ahead, don't hold back, feel your emotions... I share them.
"If you manage to drop your TN-3 barrier, you will technically be qualified as a Third Order Donor, but I won't certify you. You will do another simulated transfer in three weeks, or whenever the timing works out, which will be a sort of rehearsal for a Tecton-style personal transfer. In the interim, you'll learn the Tecton procedures, with the help of some of the Companions in the House, and then either I or one of the other channels will go through the whole sequence with you, culminating in the transfer and postreaction. This way, when you go to be qualified in Konawa, everything will seem routine. The only difference is that in Konawa the transfer will be real, not simulated. Almost everyone I've sent for qualification has come back somewhat disappointed that there wasn't more to it, while the channel they've served is eager to be served by them again.
"Once you have your TN-3 certification, the Church can use you in a variety of projects other than missionary work, or you could go work for the Tecton if you like. When the time comes we'll talk about further training. You'll be qualified to work in Sime Centers, and we can arrange for you to start taking some shifts in changeover wards in Konawa.
"Throughout all my talking here, I've been zlinning you and I'm very pleased at how your confidence and anticipation have steadily increased. You probably aren't aware of it, but you have actually been trying to engage my field. The time for selyur nager is not yet, but I'm delighted that your body is so eager to begin. When I first started training Companions, there was a significant risk of killmode attacks by Simes, and I used to test them by jumping out at them in a simulated attack... good, you are amused, not alarmed... I'm convinced that during the last while, if I had suddenly stopped talking and attacked you, you would have immediately engaged my showfield and rapidly primed yourself to serve me. I've stopped feeling lucky in the candidates I choose to train, and now feel that I just know how to pick the good ones. You are an excellent example and have every right to feel proud.
"Now the next part of the session isn't related to the transfer. While your mind and body are working with the idea, I want to work with them as well. This is part of the process of developing intimacy that I described earlier. It's an early stage of the training which will enable you to influence the emotions of a child in changeover, helping her to stay calm and focused, to be able to cooperate with your instructions and help, and to zlin your confidence in a good outcome. Most children who die in changeover die of fear. They use up their selyn reserves before they can take transfer. If you go out-T, you will often be working with the worst possible cases, under the worst possible conditions... that rush of compassion is excellent. You're from out-T yourself, I only lived there for a couple of years around the time I changed over. Ah, now that compassion is for me, isn't it? You know what it's like to be a child in Genland.
"Let's lie down together here. I want to get you inside my showfield, and I want us to be able to relax completely. Don't be embarrassed. A sexual reaction is natural in a young man, especially one raised out-T. You know I'm well past turnover, so I can't feel any sexual attraction for you, although you are certainly an attractive man. No, don't suppress your feelings, work through them... I'm going to hold you close, perceive me as a Sime, not a woman... good... good... your field is displaying selyur nager again... Now I want you to relax, just let my field pervade yours... Can you feel that? It might feel like a kind of warmth, other than what you're getting from my body heat. It's okay if you don't, few Gens can at this stage. Now I'm going to work on your field, influencing your emotions. I want you to tell me what you feel, so I can see how well it matches what I can zlin. I want to know how well you can perceive the way I'm influencing you.
"How are you feeling now?"
"A bit tired, Sectuib, but I don't want to stop."
"It is a long session. What do you feel towards me?"
"I want to help you. I want to be near you."
"Do you know why that is?"
"Are you projecting need?"
"Yes, I've been fading it in for a little while, and you are displaying the classic mark of the Companion, selyur nager. Relax, it will be a while yet until transfer, but your eagerness is delightful to zlin. I'll tell you how I'm going to do this. Janush is going to get the pot of trin that's been made for us in the kitchen, and the three of us are going to sit around drinking it while I gradually increase the intensity of need in my showfield... Thanks, Janush. Good trin, this is some of the Naros stuff, isn't it?
"Okay, after we finish the trin, we'll arrange the bed as a transfer lounge and I'll take the reclining position. I'll act more like a Sime in need, physically as well as nagerically. You're doing very well, Tomas, your field is engaging my showfield very well. If you were helping a child in changeover, she would zlin that as very comforting support, an assurance that selyn will be there for her. It would help her stay calm and conserve selyn."
"I'll set up the bed, Yilli."
"Now if I were a child in changeover, this is about the level of need I'd be feeling if I'd done a good job of conserving selyn, but nearing the onset of breakout contractions. If I hadn't done a very good job, but still had enough to get me through breakout alive, I'd be feeling about like this. You sensed that change, didn't you, Tomas, excellent!"
"Sectuib, I'm having to hold myself back from taking a transfer grip."
"Very good. I'll lie down now, sit next to me... good... now I'm going to raise intil in my showfield.... take my hands... what you're feeling now is the establishment of trautholo... excellent, this is going to go very well.... I'm going to hold back just a little longer to steepen the gradient... you'll have no trouble dropping your barrier to my draw, Tomas, I can zlin it.... okay, I'm going to project like a child who has just achieved breakout but is on the edge of attrition, make the fifth contact when you're ready...
"Oh, splendid. You did very well. That was slilbliss... and that's postreaction. Here, lie down with me, we can hold each other. That was mid-range QN-3. Had you had more selyn, I could have gone for a higher draw speed... Go ahead and cry... it's a very natural reaction. You're in-T now, no one here believes a man shouldn't cry."
"Thank you, Sectuib."
"It's my privilege and pleasure, naztehr."
"If I could have saved my brother..."
"You couldn't have saved him, Tomas, you could only have died and juncted him. Now you can save many other children."
"Would you like me to help you sleep? You'll feel more settled in the morning. That's why I like to do these sessions at night. Here, get undressed... under the blankets, good... I'll stay with you for a while as you sleep, your field is still lightly engaged with mine... sleep now."
34 days after autumn equinox, 12 AU
Yesterday evening I watched Yilli qualify a Gen as a Third by simulated transfer. It was really wonderful to see. She did the whole session in his bedroom, with just a little oil lamp for light. She did some other field work with him too, before the transfer. She built up his confidence and desire for transfer slowly over a long period. It was like a seduction in one of those books, you know what kind, from out-T. At the end she almost had to hold him back, his desire to serve was so intense. She seemed to be developing his sensitivity a lot more than you'd expect even from a Second. She says most Donors can increase their sensitivity a lot further than the Tecton expects. Do you think that's true in general, or is it something special that she does? She certainly did it to me in that restaurant in Capital and afterwards.
It's so different from the way the Tecton trained me. Is it like that in other Householdings? She put so much of herself into it, so much caring and encouragement and kindness. She was very tired afterward, and slept for four hours, even though she'll soon be in hard need. I supported her while she slept and woke her up twice when she seemed to be going into nightmare, and it worked out well.
Yilli says it's as important for a Gen to have the best experience in First Transfer as for a Sime, and the Gens she trains will be able to serve the Simes better because of the intensity and quality of their own First Transfer. Also, later training is often very hard on them, and it helps them during the later work to have had an initial experience like this with her. She has a more advanced student here now and wants me to observe his session tonight.
I wonder whether the Gen she qualified last night could have done so at the training camp. Of course, they wouldn't have trained a Gen from out-T, but I wonder. He had had a hard time. He shot his own brother in changeover, because there was no one to serve his need. When he heard about the Church, he went to them and they sent him in-T and Yilli chose him from the Seminary students. She says his desire to help other children in changeover will be the focus of his life and he will do very well at it. Saving the other children will help heal his heart, but he will never really recover from having had to murder his own brother.
I wish I could do more to heal Yilli's heart. I wish I could help her forgive herself for what she did in the bad years. Maybe after transfer she'll feel more comfortable talking to me about it, now that she's told me the worst.
"Dsif, as you know Janush is present as an observer because I'm training him as a First. I may occasionally ask him to assist me, but otherwise everything will be the same as with the other students."
"First I want you to recall the session we had a few months ago in which you served your first simulated transfer. Just relax and recall that experience. You were a bit anxious at first that you might not do well, but when the time came you had no trouble. You remember how intense your desire to serve was when I took a transfer grip, don't you?"
"Yes. Yes, I do."
"And you can hardly remember what it felt like to drop your TN-3 barrier when the draw reached it -- your desire to meet my draw was so great that the barrier went down without any volition, didn't it?"
"I want to you to think about that point in the transfer and in subsequent transfers. You've had two simulated transfers and one qualifying personal transfer with a channel in Konawa, so you have three experiences of dropping that barrier to a Sime's draw. Now I'm going to take you in transfer position, and manipulate your field. I want you to focus your attention within, to try to feel where that barrier is. I'm not going to draw, but I'm going to move your selyn against that barrier to help you focus on it. When you think you can feel that happening, I want you to signal me... good, well done. Now retain your focus on the TN-3 barrier, I'm going to repeat that, just gently moving your own selyn against the barrier without drawing, but this time I want you to remember the sensation of dropping the barrier in transfer and see if you can do it in the absence of draw. I'll just keep on until you manage that, when you do you'll definitely experience a bit of slil... good, well done. There, did you feel it rise up again? That's normal, as soon as you stop concentrating on keeping your barriers down, they'll come up again. But you can bring it down voluntarily now, can't you? Good, you can feel it and drop it without my help. Very well done. You're learning this very quickly, Dsif. I'm very pleased."
"Thank you, Sectuib."
"Now this next part is a bit harder, and not everyone can manage it on the first try, but we'll just see how far we can get in this session. I want to try to show you, in the same way, where your TN-2 barrier is. When I make the fifth contact, drop your TN-3 and keep it down. I'll do the same as before, gently moving your selyn against the TN-2 without drawing, signal me in the same way when you can feel it as before....there! Good. That took a while, I'm a bit stiff. Let's stand up and stretch."
"No, you did well, not everyone can get that far the first time. Ready to continue?"
"Okay, I'll do the same thing again. Now I don't expect you to be able to drop the TN-2 barrier, and if you can't after a little while we'll go on to something else and come back to it. If you do manage to drop it, the slil will be more intense, and it may not be pleasant, but it won't hurt. You may experience it as slight nausea but it will only last an instant. I'm telling you this so you won't be surprised or think something is going wrong. I'll just continue to move your selyn against the barrier without draw....good. I don't think you'll be able to consciously drop it now, but you may in the momentum of a draw, and after that conscious control will be easier, just as with your TN-3. Let's try that once more, see if you can drop it now that you can feel it....Okay, let's take a break. I could zlin you trying to drop the TN-2, and you almost managed a few times, but now you're getting tired and frustrated. Don't feel bad, you're doing very well for this stage in your training. You're progressing fast, so I'm pushing you a little. Janush will bring us some trin and a snack, and we'll continue in a little while with something different."
"Now we are getting to the part of the training that can be hard on both you and me. Yes, I zlinned that bit of fear, don't try to suppress it, you will have to learn to work through it. As you know, nothing provokes a junct Sime like fear. Your children in changeover will react like juncts in this way, so you will have to learn to not even feel the fear. One reason it's necessary to spread the training over a long time period is so that your confidence in your ability to serve transfer can grow to fill your entire self, from inside to out. Then you won't feel fear in a transfer situation and you'll be able to do things that most Tecton channels don't realize is possible, and do them effectively, skillfully and safely. That is to serve a renSime when you are technically low field, to serve him from your TN levels, from TN levels that are higher than your rating as TN-3. The reason this is possible is because a renSime's draw is relatively slow, and if you can drop your barriers, you can serve him right down to a level which I will teach you is the safe limit, and it's very low indeed. The Tecton has no use for this skill, but it will help you save more lives out-T. I've taught it to many Gens, and most of them have used it many times. I knew it was possible because I saw my own father serve five renSimes in a few hours, when we were preparing to escape Nivet through lands infested with Freebanders from Norwest, and he had to be very low field. He was what we would call a TN-1 now, so he had more capacity than you, but he proved the concept, so I knew it could be done.
"Now, you know that I'm doing all this with my secondary, and I have excellent control, and I won't let you experience significant harm, don't you?."
"I say significant harm, because in this phase you will likely take a bit of a burn. You can trust me not to let the burn be more than I can heal on the spot, but you have to learn how to shen a Sime, and in trying to do so, you will try to resist the draw rather than sharply cut it off, and the resistance is what causes the burn and ultimately the Kill.
"While you can use your trust in me to prevent fear now, you must remember that you can never trust the children you serve. They will have no control and as much as they may love and trust you, it will be up to you to save your own life. Those children will kill entirely without volition or understanding of what is happening unless you prevent them. It hasn't happened yet to any Donor I've trained, and I don't expect it to ever happen, but that's because I will not certify you to work out-T unless I am sure that you are capable of saving your own life, at the cost of the child's life if necessary. None of the missionaries has killed a child yet, but it will happen eventually, and you may be the first to do it. Before I will certify you, I must be convinced that you will always put your life before the life of the child in changeover. If you were not there, the child would die, and perhaps another Gen would die too. It is your duty to live to save other lives."
"Yes. Yes, I know that."
"You know it with your mind, but before I certify you, you will know it so deeply that it will guide your action even during the most extreme pain imaginable. You will know it throughout your self. Now, that evoked fear, as I expected it to. I am going to work with you now, helping you learn to manage your emotions, so you can cut off fear almost before it starts and eventually learn not to let it even start in a transfer situation. You know the feel of my nageric manipulation, so you will have no trouble working with it. I'm going to make lateral contact so that I can have a stronger effect. I am going to purposely evoke fear in you, and you will teach yourself to manage it."
"You've done well. We'll work this way again other times. Let's take a break now. I'd like you to take the trin things and go to the kitchen and make us more trin and bring it back in about fifteen minutes. I want to work with Janush for a bit before we go on to the next part."
"Ah, you've been praying. You've brought that beautiful coloring of the ambient back in here with you. Good. Let's drink the trin, and we can begin afterwards. For now, I'm going to project a low level of need..."
"I can feel it, Sectuib! I can feel the selyur nager!"
"Excellent, your sensitivity is developing very well. I'd like you to hold that and think about your desire for transfer. To teach you to shen a Sime, I'll start with a very slow draw. It will be faster than a donation draw, just fast enough for you to feel it. When I signal you like this, I want you to try to cut off my draw. Because I will be drawing very slowly, you won't take much damage from resisting, but it will hurt. Unfortunately, the only way I can teach you to cut off draw sharply, as shen, is by helping you to figure it out yourself. Most students learn this very quickly, and without much pain. Now the hard part for both of us is that I will not stop the draw -- you will have to stop it. Now it hasn't happened yet, but I suppose it could happen, that a student panics during this session. If that happens, I will of course stop rather than pointlessly injure you, because that means that I will stop working with you. You will be permanently out of the program. Your instructors at the seminary chose you to present to me as a candidate for this training, and I chose you from among many candidates. I'm sure I've chosen well, and your training up to this point has shown it. You're doing very well, nothing I've said here has alarmed you, it has just increased your determination to succeed. If it helps you, remember that I experience your pain just as you do, so when you cut off my draw, you will be stopping the pain for both of us. Are you ready to begin?"
"Yes, Sectuib. I... yes, I am."
"Okay, I'll take the reclining position on our makeshift transfer lounge here. I'm increasing my projection of need ... take my hands ... Remember, this is the signal to shen me. Make the fifth contact when you're ready... Well done! Here, let me hold you, catch your breath... I'm sorry it hurt you."
"It wasn't so bad."
"Oh yes it was. I felt it too. Just rest a bit. You weren't burned, but the pain is still reverberating a bit in your nervous system. I'll just intervene and damp it down.... there."
"Just rest, I'll hold you. We'll wait for your heart rate and blood pressure to come down. You picked that up very fast, Dsif, a lot of students take longer and go through a lot worse."
"It's hard to imagine..."
"Dsif, I've zlinned more kills than I can count in service to the Tecton. If you haven't zlinned it, or experienced death by the Kill, you can't imagine the intensity of agony... I'm sorry, I shouldn't burden you with this."
"It's all right, Sectuib. I'm just sorry that you had to zlin those deaths."
"I can zlin your compassion. Thank you. Do you think you've got the trick of it? Cutting the draw off sharply?"
"Yes, I think so."
"I think you do. Now some students have compared this next part to taking a wagon with no springs over a rough road at speed. We're going to do a series of draws and shens, as many as we can manage with the amount of selyn I want you to expend. I'll use the same signal to tell you to shen me, and this signal to tell you to let me resume the draw. Each time I'll increase the draw speed and the resistance to being shenned until I'm simulating a renSime. Aside from the bumpy ride, I don't expect you to have any trouble with this. You won't have that terrible experience of resisting draw again. If you just use full force when you cut off draw, you will be able to overcontrol the simulated renSime with no difficulty. You are a TN-3, and a fairly high one, and you can overcontrol any renSime, real or simulated. Okay, let's get back into position. Good. Make the fifth contact when you're ready... Well done."
"I'm feeling a little seasick, Sectuib."
"So am I. You did very well. I cheated a little, the last one was a low QN-3, about what a high QN-3 would be like at changeover. So you've done exceptionally well in this session. Just rest now. We'll take it easy. You may even want to doze a bit. In a little while comes the best part of the session, the reward for all the frustration and pain. You'll serve me another simulated transfer, and I'll draw at the highest speed you can match, which will increase your slilbliss. The draw will start just below your TN-3 level, sweep through it, and if you can drop your TN-2, will progress further. If I can draw from your TN-2, your slilbliss will be even more intense and prolonged. The one hook here is that I won't stop the draw if I detect resistance at the TN-2. You will either have to drop the barrier, or shen me. Since I'll be matching my draw speed to your capability, you will be able to shen me, but it's better if you can drop your barrier. To make it easier for you, I'm going to seduce you into this transfer, like I did with your first one. I'm going to work with you, slowly increasing your desire to serve, until you can't keep your hands off mine. For now, let's just lie down together and rest. I'll be working on your field a little, but you can doze if you like, just relax. Janush, could you come lie down here with us? Let me lean against you. Supply some light support... a little more... good... thank you."
35 days after autumn equinox, 12 AU
Last night I watched Yilli teach a TN-3 to shen a Sime, and to drop his TN-2 barrier so she could draw at his maximum speed almost to his TN-1. I never knew that was possible until I met Yilli and learned about the missionary program. Well, I knew that a Gen can shen a Sime, if he overmatches him, but I never really thought about how to do it, or that I'd ever require the skill. The Householdings never taught it, did they? Yilli says she doesn't know, but certainly not all of them did, because we know that Companions were killed in raids by being stripped by renSimes. Even that Keon Companion, trained by Sectuib Risa, was killed in the year before Unity when a Third attacked him at the Tecton Assembly in Konawa when he was low field.
Yilli says she'll teach me if I want, if I pledge, but we'll have to figure out how to do it, because I could really hurt her. I could see it was very hard on her even with this Third, although she didn't let him know how much it was taking out of her. She had him go out and make trin and almost collapsed on me while he was away. I tried to talk her into postponing the rest of the session until after transfer, but she said she wouldn't. She did an outfunction, and let me work on her a little, and said she was ready to continue. She lay down and rested, working on the student's field for about an hour before she did the simulated transfer. She had me lie down with them and support her. She told me later that she normally wouldn't have done such a strenuous session so close to hard need but with my support it worked out well and it may mean one more missionary out in Genland that much sooner, perhaps to save a few more lives. I wish I had the experience to know whether to try to stop her from expending herself this way. I let her zlin how worried I was about her, and she promised that she'd take it easy from then until transfer and let me support her.
The simulated transfer with the student was interesting in several ways. She told him that she wouldn't stop the draw at his TN-2 -- he would either have to drop the barrier or shen her. I did my best not to let my worry into my field, but I was really concerned at how it would hurt her if he either shenned her at that draw speed or resisted and caused both of them the agony of a burn. But she slowly seduced him into the transfer and he had no trouble opening his TN-2 level to her. They both felt that he could perceive his TN-1 barrier when she reached it, which is very promising for the next phase, where she will teach him to drop the TN-1 and let her show him how deeply he can be drained and still survive without permanent harm.
It was only later that I realized she was teaching him more than I thought at first in this session. By leaving it up to him to avoid a burn by either dropping his TN-2 or shenning her if he couldn't, she was teaching him to evaluate his state and make decisions in the middle of a transfer, possibly even in the middle of considerable pain. I know this is a valuable skill for a Donor, especially a high order Donor, but it's always been something that we are just expected to acquire somehow with experience. Yilli was providing that kind of experience for this man on purpose, and very early on.
The other thought I had was how good simulated transfers are for the channel as well as for the Gen. I know that channels enjoy the pleasure of the renSimes they serve, but when taking donations, they mostly just want to make it as comfortable as possible for the Gens. In a simulated transfer, the channel gets to enjoy the slilbliss she evokes. We both know that Yilli tends not to do things for her own enjoyment, so I really think it's great that she takes so many donations as simulated transfers so she gets more pleasure in her life.
I remembered that you'd said she never does anything for just one reason or for just one purpose, and what you said about doing a thing for only some reasons still gives you the other benefits from it, when you were talking about how most of the Teiu Gens are Companions. I can see this both in the way she taught the missionary student, and by seeing this additional benefit of simulated transfers.
It's been such a wonderful month. I've learned so much, and everything I'm learning keeps interacting and recombining in my mind and I keep learning more and more from assimilating what I've learned.
It's been an emotional month, too. Talking to all those Church people and out-T people, and the stories of the ambrov Teiu, and of course what Yilli told me about her terrible years after she came in-T have made the past seem different to me. I hadn't really thought about all those adults I grew up with, almost all semijuncts, who just gradually disappeared over the years, as they died in the kill camps and the Sime Centers from aborts and at home from all the ailments that destroy a semijunct who can no longer bear to take lives to preserve his own. I can see that each of them was an individual tragedy, a desperate and silent struggle for life, for meaning, for bitter compromises with the terrible and the inevitable. Most of them died no sooner than they would have as juncts in the old days, but they died after so much more suffering. Yilli says that much of that suffering was unnecessary, that if the Nivet Tecton had followed the example of Gulf, those lives would have been better, and probably longer, and so many Pen Gens would have survived instead of their lives being thrown away for political expediency and adherence to one dead man's uncompromising rules.
I've thought about my stepmother a lot too, and the terrible things she did to stay alive, to try to raise me, all that suffering just for me. I wish there were some way to thank her, to let her know that I understand so much better now the sacrifices she made for me. But all I can do is try to be what she wanted me to be, a good man, a man like she wanted me to believe my father was, whatever he was truly like, a junct and perhaps a murderer.
I took off my Tecton ring a few days ago, and have only put it back on as Yilli does, when we go into a Sime Center to work. My Tecton oath seems hollow to me, the act of a different person, a more naive and unthinking person, a child, really. The Tecton achieved what it intended, Unity, the end of the Kill in Nivet, and the legal equality of Sime and Gen. That it was achieved at greater cost in lives and suffering than necessary is something I have to come to terms with, as a beneficiary of the world created at that cost.
Yilli keeps telling me that things have been happening too fast for me, that it will take me a while to think it all through, that my love for her is just clinging to one good thing in all this confusion, but I really believe it's more than that. She's told me the worst of her past, and I love her even more, just as I loved my stepmother even more after she told me about what she and my father did in the Siege. I want to help Yilli heal if I can at all. Perhaps it will help her that a young Gen like me, for whom the sacrifices were made, can understand and honor her for what she did, at such terrible cost.
It's increased my admiration for her, that she could bear all that horror and then fight so hard, almost at the cost of her life, to try to stop it, for what she believed was right. I admire and love her for what she did afterwards, with what resources she had -- bringing Teiu back to life, salvaging the lives of those semijunct pact parents, giving them peace, security and comfort for their last months or years and their pact children a good life and a secure future by their own work and cooperation and dedication to the House and its ideals.
She has such a talent for knowing where the little she can personally give can be multiplied by applying it, not just in the way she built the House, but in the missionary program. The Church could never have done it without her, and she could never have done it without the Church, but together her skill as a channel is multiplied to save the lives of thousands, to salvage all those children who would otherwise be murdered out-T and give them good lives as nonjuncts in Nivet, as well as saving the Gens who would be killed by the berserkers many of those children would otherwise become.
Even if I didn't personally love her, I would want to help her, to join Teiu and add my efforts to the efforts of the House. I love her in so many ways. I love her as a teacher and mentor. I'm so grateful to her for helping me find and develop my talent to be a First. I love her as a Companion to a channel. I feel like I was born to work with her nagerically. I love her as a man for a woman. Making love with her is more wonderful than I ever imagined possible, not just in the pleasure she gives me, but the joy of being able to give her pleasure. I love her as a Gen to a Sime. I can't express how intensely I want to serve her in transfer. She can zlin all these things, and I think she is gradually letting herself believe they are true adult feelings, and that they will last. As I write this she's dozing on the bed next to me, and she's smiling a little in her sleep, so maybe she's zlinning them right now.